Duck and cover. Or scream and pray. Totally a personal choice.
There are three regular annoyances for civilians in the IZ, (besides the lack of miniskirts, social drinking, and cloud cover) : Big Booms, Fast Booms, and High Booms. Or: Bombs, Rockets, and Mortars. The latter two are the featured artists in our percussion band. We know of bombs but we aren’t usually anywhere near them. They appear on the horizon like mushroom after a rainstorm. But less poetic and with more unjustifiable carnage. Guns aren’t really an issue. It’s only when someone gets overstressed and twitchy that you have to be careful. Just like back home..
Tip 1: Big Booms and Random booms. If you only hear one >BOOM< there will probably be more later. Like earthquakes. There'll be more until they stop. Carefully make your way to shelter.
Tip 2: Fast Booms. If you hear a screech followed by a boom >schhhhhhreeeeeeBOOM<. Then it’s landed close but not on top of you. Immediately visit your old reliable buddy Mr.Ground. The big danger is secondary debris flying past.*
Tip 3: High Booms. If you hear a sound like the bastard offspring of a shotgun and a big red rubber ball then you’ve got mortars coming in. As soon as you hear >DOMP< (usually two at a time: >DOMP< >DOMP<) You should move quickly to shelter. You’ve got between 20 seconds and a minute before anything dramatic happens. That's plenty of time to stop gaping like a gaffed fish and find really good shelter.
Trick: Determining good shelter. If you don’t have a designated shelter (unacceptable!) you should find an interior room with no windows or glass. It should have at least two layers between you and the scary outdoors. Most of the annoyances are designed to punch through one layer and then spray their contents against the second layer. So at a minimum you want to be in an interior room on the ground floor of a two story house.
Phrases Not to Exclaim:
- Oh God! (This smacks of blasphemy and panic. Only for clergy. Avoid)
- Incoming! Seek Shelter! (Stop playing WWII videogames. Avoid)
- Help! (This should be saved for when you really really need it. Avoid)
- Missed me! (Yes, but they’re going to try again. Avoid)
- A shooting star! (You’ve just failed the Darwin test. Context matters. Avoid)
Phrases to Use:
- Bastards! (Confrontational and directed, if impotent)
- Shit. (Very popular. Can’t go wrong)
- Let’s all go inside. (Can’t ruffle your feathers, can they?)
- Who wants a beer? (My hero)
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I'm feeling like I oughtta pass on some of what I had to pick up here. Tomorrow will start an extended discussion of low-grade persistent illnesses and their cures. After that we'll learn how to clean tar out of suede... bastards.
*secondary debris is bricks, bits of glass, and occasionally: cars
For further edification: If you're watching the recent news and you see CNN showing pictures of the stuff being pitched across the border... same stuff. Different suppliers. Similar end-users.