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Most of the time I don’t know what I’m doing.

I’d like to say it’s only since I came to Baghdad that that’s been a problem. Good excuse, new place, new rules. But no…

Most of the time I can fall back on my manners. If I’m polite I may still screw up and get fired (again) but I probably won’t get beaten with a mop handle (again).

But my manners don’t work out here. I don’t just mean I’m eating with my fork in the right hand (or left) and picking my nose at inappropriate times (while holding the fork!)

I was walking down a hallway in the embassy (also known as ‘the palace', since it’s one of Saddam’s old palaces [one of many]. Also known as 'sweet sweet relief' since I’m the only one from my company allowed inside unescorted. I like to sit by the coffee stand behind one of the couches and pretend I can’t hear my phones ringing) and I saw a woman walking towards me. The door between us was pretty narrow so I moved aside to let her pass. (I also hold doors at home. I’ve been told I’m not supposed to do that anymore, is that true? [I thought it was like using the pronoun ‘Zee’. No one actually started doing it the new way ‘cause it was just so ridiculous])

I’m standing there waiting for her to pass and she stops on the other side of the door. (Begin panic)

“Oh, please go ahead” I get a worried stare back. (check my zipper. No, it’s up this time)

I wave at the doorway. More worried staring. (double check the zipper. Still up!)

I consider the situation. For an outside observer there are really only two options:
A) I’m attempting the worst pickup in world history.
B) I’m retarded.
Based on previous experience both are plausible. However, the latter is much much more likely.

Shit. She’s still staring at me. What the hell’s gone wrong? Girl-door-me standing aside politely. How could etiquette fail me? Maybe she’s not American? No. She’s American. I can tell by the unifor…

Oh.

She’s in uniform.

And I’m not.

“Uh, pardon me, ma’am.” I walk through.

“Thank you, sir.”

Definitely option B.